just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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