I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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