im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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