woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we're so committed to being not committed
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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