I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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