i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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