You don't have asthma, your pregnant
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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