Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
