Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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