Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
