wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
