He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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