well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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