soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
we're so committed to being not committed
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
