I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
