I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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