One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
