Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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