We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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