Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
