I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
