I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I will pee on everything he values.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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