remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
