That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
