so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
this boner is exhausting
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
