I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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