The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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