if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
