U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
