Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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