Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
