My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I AM VODKA MAN
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
