bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You need a sexual gate keeper
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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