so that wasnt chicken after all
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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