I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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