There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
then he tried to convert me to islam
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
