can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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