There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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