OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
