sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
