The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
