my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
