I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
that is very illegal...i love you.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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