I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
