yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
