I wish I only lived at night.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
