My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
