i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
