I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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