so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
